I think i'm ready, or is this just my drama.. -__-

I think i'm ready to die now, too much guilt building up, there is no release, so I am probebly just gonna go do something reckless, cause i'm too much of a wuss to kill myself, only cause if I fail i'll be sent to the insane asylum, and I just found out that in the brink of death, I get filled with mortal fear, 2 days ago I felt like I was gonna die right there, it was so absolute that I almost couldnt breathe, and I froze, but right now I just have a headache, and just took a trip down memory lane, from when I bullshited the one person who loved me
THE ONE PERSON!!! AM I JUST A NATURAL BORN MORON????
FUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!
Now he doesnt even talk to me, and he's MOVED ON!!!
then I got another guy, who DOESNT love me, but thinks i'm just nice to talk to, NOW THATS A SMART GUY!!!
Because loving an ugly, fake like me is SUICIDE!!
Ive been called God, ive been called amazing, but what these people don't get is I don't even follow my own advice, and an attantion hog, because I was always alone!!!
But what people also don't get is I get easy happily, love to help people, and all I need is alittle GOOD attention!!!
Which is not hard to give, but people just don't want to take the time to give it!
Because i'm just not worth it! So i'm just stuck crying myself to sleep, holding it in all day even though if I cry i'll probebly get alittle attention, but I don't want that kind of attention!!
And I don't want anyone to try to fix me!!
And I don't want people to pitty me!! But what do I expect?? I am just a thing, a waist of space, no one should pay attention to me... I know that... And yet I want it...
The nice person you guys all know and love is my true self, but i'm too ugly for anyone to notice... Heh... Me and my fucking rat nose, and lazy eye...
The guy who actually loved me would probebly run in fear...
I'm an Otaku too... A geek... So...
And i'm self centered...
I can't help it... When I want attention, I talk about stuff... And people pitty me...
Then when I tell the truth I lose someone...
The thing is... In the process of the lie, if its a guy (Which it normaly is) Then I ending up really, genuanly like the guy...
So of coarse I tell the truth, and I never get forgiven...
I never wanna try that relationship again... I mean... I do but... But... Its really complicated...
No matter my tortcher... No one will ever... Ever understand me... And that just ends with a lonley, empty life...